Wednesday, December 16, 2009

God is righteous in strength. I desperately need His strength. This valley I have been called to walk in is HUGE. I know God knows my every emotion. I ask God "Why?" I have discovered you can question God. If God can't handle my questions, then He is NOT God. God asssures me that He has my family in His hands. Psalm 34:17-19 "The righteous cry and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near for the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them out of them all." It is ok to question God, but I am learning something else about spiritual warfare. God and satan will try to use the same event in a person's life, one for good, one for evil. Both want to be glorified. My response determines which receives the glory. God is righteous, He will give me strength. It's hard for me to believe that some people go through life's trials without God, how do they do it? Even in the midst of this raging storm I am in, He is faithful, He is just, He is my strength, my hope, my peace. I trust Him, I rely on His supernatural strenght. Psalm 23:1 " The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." Because the Lord is who He is, my Shepherd, He supplies every need I have, even before I know that need. He meets my spiritual needs, at times I feel as though I am all alone, but when I grow still and quiet in the valley, I can hear His footsteps. It's His presence that guides and strengthens my spiritual life. I have His word and through my prayers He lifts me from my despair and places me on solid ground again and again. He meets my physical needs, when I ask for peace He gives me peace and rest. He is the great physicain. He meets my physical needs, so many times since the accident, I have wanted my mother to be here on this earth, how selfish of me to want her to leave her heavenly home to come back to this place. But I have wanted her here, so I could crawl into her lap and have her to put her arms around me and hold me, comfort me. I know that is physically impossible, but emotionally I needed it. But when I ask for comfort to come, my Heavenly Father picks me up and does just that, He wraps His everlasting arms around me and comforts me. He meets my every need. I know that God knows that I am going through a time of trial, despair and discoragement. The storm I am in at times seems too powerful and one I am afraid, I cannot overcome, but I know He is real and righteous, and relevant, and He meets my needs and I turn to Him and I trust Him to be who He is, the faithful Creator who will NOT allow destruction to come to me, but will make me an overcomer. On this journey of faith He has taught me how to trust Him. With every new day, I need assurance of His presence, He is more than ready to supply me with evidence that He is at work in my life. I know I can NOT go through this on my own, I need Him, every hour, I need Him! I also know I have tremendous christian friends and family that are standing in the gap for me and my family. I have so many people praying for my family, people that more than likely, I will never know this side of heaven, but when we get to heaven, I will know them and they will know me. That's exciting! I have a vision of my mother and daddy walking all over heaven letting every one know that Brayden, Kenadi, and Logan and the little babies of Hannah and Jeremy's that never made it to be born on earth are their grand children. Heaven holds many treasures for me! I know God will restore my family, he promised! I know His time is NOT my time! Lord, I need help on that one! I know He loves me! I know He wants what's best for me! I know that all things work for the good of those that love Him. Yes, Lord, I will praise you in this storm! Yes, Lord, I love you!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Finding peace in times of sorrow

I have a living hope...God brought His Son through the most painful trials and back from the pit of death itself, I know He can bring me through this trial. I know that my trial is not the end of the's the rough journey that leads me to the right destination. I know the world views this trial as a senseless tragedy, that I should be bitter, I have seen God reveal Himself to me every day and He pours out a full measure of grace and peace every day. Yes, I was called upon to go through this suffering so God can be glorified. Do I understand that? NO, Do I rejoice in that truth? NO, Do I accept that truth? YES. While all of this may not make sense, I am reminded that when I can't trace God's hand, I can trust His heart.

When all you have left to do is pray!

Lord, You're with me right now, You have been, You have your reasons for what is happening. You care too much for me to let this get out of hand. Take charge. Give me grace to stay calm. Control my emotions. Be Lord over my present situation. Lord, You know there is no way that I can set the record straight, it seems to be getting more out of control and complicated and I find myself relying on Your mercy. Take over Lord, You be the Master over this moment, I can't change this person, I can't alter these circumstances. I know someday You will make clear the "why" this happen, I know Your ways are higher and far more profound than my mind can comprehend. I accept Your direction and I will live with it the best I can. I know You know the pain and heartache I am going through, some days it is almost unbearable, but You are soverign and You can handle my needs, with Your strength I can carry this burden. Quiet my spirit. Give me a sense of relief as I face the fact that life is difficult and unfair. Keep me from having any bitterness. Enable me to see beyond the present, to focus on the invisible, and to recognize that You are always here with me. Thank You for the joy of today. Thank You for the relationship I have with You. Thank You for the love and care of my friends and family. Thank you for every tear drop, You bring joy. Thank You for the truth of Your word that lives and abides forever.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I have faltered at times on this long and uphill journey, but not once did I let go of God's hand or He mine. As I read God's word, He reveals to me that all suffering has meaning in His kingdom and at those times is when I can demostrate my trust in Him. He will bring good out of everything. Through this loss He is bringing me to the realization that no matter what my circumstances may be, I can find joy in His presence. I can glorify Him in the midst of this storm. The last words He spoke before ascending into heaven; " I am with you always," is the promise I hold on to each day. I trust Him to provide the strenght that I need moment by moment.

I am very grateful for all my family and friends. I am encouraged each day by knowing that my family and I are being prayed for by so many people from all over the world. Some day we will meet and you will know that you did make a difference in my life and the lives of my family.

I hope each and everyone of you have a very blessed and happy Thanksgiving!

Much love from my family to yours!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I am thankful for all God has blessed my life with. I must remind myself that I live in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. In the last 118 days there has been so much sorrow, but in the midst of all my sorrow, I have NEVER been alone. God has carried me each moment. When I allow God to rule in my heart, my eyes are opened to more and more of His blessings. When I sit quietly in His presence, I have a peace that grows in me, that can only come from Him. He is taking me on a path that I am totally aware that I could NOT walk with out Him. I have found peace in the midst of despair. I am learning to thank Him for hard times and difficult journeys, it is through those darkest days that He is the Light shining on those days. I am depending on God continually, trusting Him to guide me, and strengthen me each day.

Tomorrow, we are leaving to go to our son, Adam's home in Ardmore Alabama for Thanksgiving. This is the first Thanksgiving that I will not have all my children together and that saddenes me, but hopefully next year we can all be together as a family. Hannah, Jeremy, Ashton, Grayson, and Brennon are leaving early in the morning and Rick and I are leaving when he gets off work. Meredith and Gregg are spending Thanksgiving close to home with their friends Ashton and Ronnie. I plan on doing some baking in the morning, Adam wants a chocolate cake, Jeremy a pecan pie, so I thought I'd bake them before we left. I am so ready to see my granddaughter Addison and get some hugs and kisses from her. Ashton, Grayson, and Brennon are looking forward to seeing her too. This is going to be a very difficult time for all of us, but I know for the sake of Ashton, Grayson, Addison, and Brennon we need to have a time together as a family. When we come back on Sunday we will only have a couple of days before our little Kaidi will be here; (unless she decides to come early. ) I pray you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and may God continue to bless each of you.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Decided to blog a little while the cake layers are baking in the oven. I went to Andaulusia today and had lunch with Meredith and stayed with her for a little while this afternoon. I enjoyed our time together!! As I sat across from her at her desk, I am awed at how beautiful she is. I'm not talking about her outer beauty, I, as a mama, know she's beautiful! I'm talking about the inner beauty that I see in her and I know others do. She's a remarkable daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. She has taught me so much in the last 114 days. Lessons of life are hard and all too often painful, but Meredith has shown me, by her example how to find rest and comfort in our Almighty Lord. She has faced her circumstances from the humble perspective that by trusting and thanking God, He will give you His unfathomable peace.
With Kaidi's day of arrival soon approaching, I have so many questions, silly ones, I'm sure, but I do have lots of questions. I know this is NOT my first grand child, but this is the first one to come to us after our loss. A beautiful little girl, that I hope and pray I, myself is NOT asking too much from. I know I am different, I know I do NOT look at life, as I once did. I am having a hard time with my emotions. I am praying that once Kaidi is placed in my arms, that all these fears, hurts and uncertainties will be forever lifted from me, maybe NOT forever, but for that one moment that I am holding her, I will feel joy....

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Making biscuits & memories

I have been thinking about my mother and how thankful I am that God blessed me with her being my mother. She was the best! As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I can't help but think about her wonderful and delicious cooking. She could make the best chicken and dumplings, dressing, pies, biscuits, cakes, fried chicken, cube steak, congealed salads, potato salad, you name it, she made it well. I have never been able to make biscuits like she did, let's face it, I could brick a house with mine. Her's were light and featherly. Now, she did show me, several times how to make them, but I could NEVER get the hang of it. She had one bowl that she always made her biscuits up in, she'd sift her flour in the bowl, make a well using her hands, pour buttermilk in the well, then pour just the right amount of oil, and start working the dough with her hand until she had the dough made into one huge blob then she'd use the same hand to pinch off the biscuits and she'd place them in an iron skillet with just a touch of oil and bake for 20 minutes or so. It would take about two of her biscuits to make a Kelly biscuit. She always got a big kick out of me making "her" biscuits. She'd watch me and laugh at how messy my hand would get from the flour, milk and oil, I'd have it all up my arm, all over me and all over the kitchen. Our biscuit cooking session would always end with her shaking her head at me and saying, "for the life of me, I don't know what you're doing wrong". I am so thankful for the times we spent and the memories we made in her kitchen.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Today is Friday the 13th, could that be why I'm having such a hard time today? I have a headache today and a cough, but to sum it up I feel really yucky today. I have laid in bed all day tossing and turning. I have cried until I have no more tears left in me right now. I have prayed and read scripture, I don't want to be in this slump, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I have thought so much about Brayden and Kenadi today, I have thought about Meredith, Gregg, and our soon to arrive Kaidi. The loss of Brayden and Kenadi is as fresh today as it was July 29/30. As the days have turned into weeks, weeks into months, each day for me is filled with sad tears, my heart is broken, the pain still remains. Others can't understand and don't feel the same, how could they, Brayden and Kenadi are MY grand babies. People ask the simple question, "how are you today?" I'm fine is the answer, What else can I say, They don't really want to know, Life is so empty, My family is torn apart, I have a hole in my heart that is dying to say that the loss of Brayden and Kenadi is more that what you can see, I not only loss my two grandchildren, but a HUGE part of me. Sure, I have lots of sweet memories, memories that will carry me through the years, but I want Brayden and Kenadi back in my arms to hold, to love, to sing to, to rock. But you see that will never be, they are forever gone from my arms, but never from my heart. I love you Brayden and Kenadi.