I have faltered at times on this long and uphill journey, but not once did I let go of God's hand or He mine. As I read God's word, He reveals to me that all suffering has meaning in His kingdom and at those times is when I can demostrate my trust in Him. He will bring good out of everything. Through this loss He is bringing me to the realization that no matter what my circumstances may be, I can find joy in His presence. I can glorify Him in the midst of this storm. The last words He spoke before ascending into heaven; " I am with you always," is the promise I hold on to each day. I trust Him to provide the strenght that I need moment by moment.

I am very grateful for all my family and friends. I am encouraged each day by knowing that my family and I are being prayed for by so many people from all over the world. Some day we will meet and you will know that you did make a difference in my life and the lives of my family.

I hope each and everyone of you have a very blessed and happy Thanksgiving!

Much love from my family to yours!

I am thankful for all God has blessed my life with. I must remind myself that I live in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. In the last 118 days there has been so much sorrow, but in the midst of all my sorrow, I have NEVER been alone. God has carried me each moment. When I allow God to rule in my heart, my eyes are opened to more and more of His blessings. When I sit quietly in His presence, I have a peace that grows in me, that can only come from Him. He is taking me on a path that I am totally aware that I could NOT walk with out Him. I have found peace in the midst of despair. I am learning to thank Him for hard times and difficult journeys, it is through those darkest days that He is the Light shining on those days. I am depending on God continually, trusting Him to guide me, and strengthen me each day.

Tomorrow, we are leaving to go to our son, Adam's home in Ardmore Alabama for Thanksgiving. This is the first Thanksgiving that I will not have all my children together and that saddenes me, but hopefully next year we can all be together as a family. Hannah, Jeremy, Ashton, Grayson, and Brennon are leaving early in the morning and Rick and I are leaving when he gets off work. Meredith and Gregg are spending Thanksgiving close to home with their friends Ashton and Ronnie. I plan on doing some baking in the morning, Adam wants a chocolate cake, Jeremy a pecan pie, so I thought I'd bake them before we left. I am so ready to see my granddaughter Addison and get some hugs and kisses from her. Ashton, Grayson, and Brennon are looking forward to seeing her too. This is going to be a very difficult time for all of us, but I know for the sake of Ashton, Grayson, Addison, and Brennon we need to have a time together as a family. When we come back on Sunday we will only have a couple of days before our little Kaidi will be here; (unless she decides to come early. ) I pray you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and may God continue to bless each of you.

Decided to blog a little while the cake layers are baking in the oven. I went to Andaulusia today and had lunch with Meredith and stayed with her for a little while this afternoon. I enjoyed our time together!! As I sat across from her at her desk, I am awed at how beautiful she is. I'm not talking about her outer beauty, I, as a mama, know she's beautiful! I'm talking about the inner beauty that I see in her and I know others do. She's a remarkable daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. She has taught me so much in the last 114 days. Lessons of life are hard and all too often painful, but Meredith has shown me, by her example how to find rest and comfort in our Almighty Lord. She has faced her circumstances from the humble perspective that by trusting and thanking God, He will give you His unfathomable peace.
With Kaidi's day of arrival soon approaching, I have so many questions, silly ones, I'm sure, but I do have lots of questions. I know this is NOT my first grand child, but this is the first one to come to us after our loss. A beautiful little girl, that I hope and pray I, myself is NOT asking too much from. I know I am different, I know I do NOT look at life, as I once did. I am having a hard time with my emotions. I am praying that once Kaidi is placed in my arms, that all these fears, hurts and uncertainties will be forever lifted from me, maybe NOT forever, but for that one moment that I am holding her, I will feel joy....

Making biscuits & memories

I have been thinking about my mother and how thankful I am that God blessed me with her being my mother. She was the best! As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I can't help but think about her wonderful and delicious cooking. She could make the best chicken and dumplings, dressing, pies, biscuits, cakes, fried chicken, cube steak, congealed salads, potato salad, you name it, she made it well. I have never been able to make biscuits like she did, let's face it, I could brick a house with mine. Her's were light and featherly. Now, she did show me, several times how to make them, but I could NEVER get the hang of it. She had one bowl that she always made her biscuits up in, she'd sift her flour in the bowl, make a well using her hands, pour buttermilk in the well, then pour just the right amount of oil, and start working the dough with her hand until she had the dough made into one huge blob then she'd use the same hand to pinch off the biscuits and she'd place them in an iron skillet with just a touch of oil and bake for 20 minutes or so. It would take about two of her biscuits to make a Kelly biscuit. She always got a big kick out of me making "her" biscuits. She'd watch me and laugh at how messy my hand would get from the flour, milk and oil, I'd have it all up my arm, all over me and all over the kitchen. Our biscuit cooking session would always end with her shaking her head at me and saying, "for the life of me, I don't know what you're doing wrong". I am so thankful for the times we spent and the memories we made in her kitchen.

Today is Friday the 13th, could that be why I'm having such a hard time today? I have a headache today and a cough, but to sum it up I feel really yucky today. I have laid in bed all day tossing and turning. I have cried until I have no more tears left in me right now. I have prayed and read scripture, I don't want to be in this slump, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I have thought so much about Brayden and Kenadi today, I have thought about Meredith, Gregg, and our soon to arrive Kaidi. The loss of Brayden and Kenadi is as fresh today as it was July 29/30. As the days have turned into weeks, weeks into months, each day for me is filled with sad tears, my heart is broken, the pain still remains. Others can't understand and don't feel the same, how could they, Brayden and Kenadi are MY grand babies. People ask the simple question, "how are you today?" I'm fine is the answer, What else can I say, They don't really want to know, Life is so empty, My family is torn apart, I have a hole in my heart that is dying to say that the loss of Brayden and Kenadi is more that what you can see, I not only loss my two grandchildren, but a HUGE part of me. Sure, I have lots of sweet memories, memories that will carry me through the years, but I want Brayden and Kenadi back in my arms to hold, to love, to sing to, to rock. But you see that will never be, they are forever gone from my arms, but never from my heart. I love you Brayden and Kenadi.

106 and 105 Days

Today, it has been 106 days since Kenadi and 105 days since Brayden went home to be with the Lord. Each day I rely on God to get me through. There are days that I don't want to go on, but with His mercy and grace, I make it for another day. I NEVER feel hopeless, because my hope is in HIM, but I do feel despair, sorrow, hurt, and pain. I miss Brayden and Kenadi so much. I miss hearing the cute way they both said Nana, I miss them running up to me and giving me a hug, I miss the way they smelled, I miss the softness of Kenadi's hair, the waves in Brayden's hair, her brown eyes, his blue eyes. I miss everything about them. I loved to watch them from my Sunday school class window walk to church, on some Sunday's Meredith or Gregg would pull them in the red wagon or push them in the stroller, but my favorite was of them walking hand in hand. I also loved how on Wednesday nights, when Meredith would bring them upstairs to the sanctuary, they would climb up on the platform and get a microphone and sing into it, those memories are so sweet, but so raw.

On December 1, our little Kaidi will make her debut...I can't wait! I know she will NOT replace Brayden and Kenadi, but she will bring us joy. I know she will get a lot of attention from everyone. Ashton is so looking forward to her birth, she has been so concerned for her MeMe and Gregg. A couple of weeks ago, when she was out of school on fall break, she went with me to Kelly Foods, to pick up stuff for the church, she asked me if I would take her to a store so that she could buy two journals to write down stuff about Brayden and Kenadi. She said one day she'd give them to Kaidi, so Kaidi would know all about her big brother and big sister. The second journal was for her to write down things about Nanny (my mother), that she could share with Grayson, Brennon, Kaidi. I starting crying, I couldn't help it, the tears just came and they kept coming. My sweet 8 year old granddaughter consoled me, not only did she console with words, she wiped my tears. I love that girl, she's so sweet and loving.

Again, I know I've been all over the place with this post, but my mind races and I just type as the thoughts come.

Let me share one more thing. I know I can relax in God's peaceful presence and nothing can ever seperate me from His love. He will never leave me or forsake me. Praise God.

"Thanksgiving memories" and such

Monday was a very busy day for me, I have to say, busy for me is a good thing. I met Brenda at church this morning, we had to set up for the dinner that our WMU group was hosting, our special guest were the ladies from the Crossover Ministry. For those who do not know the Crossover Ministry is a Christian based drug/alcohol rehabilitation progam. We are very fortunate to have this ministry in our town. I was so encouraged by the testimony of the ladies last night. The life change was so evident in each one of their lives. Our decorations for the dinner was "fall themed" and I needed some candy corn and candy pumpkins to put on the tables, can you believe I had to go to three different stores before I could find any? If I was looking for candy canes, I'd had NO problem, they were every where. Whatever happen to Thanksgiving? It seems to be skipped over each year. We can find lots of jack-o-lanters, ghost, skeltons, and black cats in every store shortly after July 4. By the first of Novemember we have snowmen, santa's, reindeer, candy canes, Christmas trees, Christmas lights and 1000's of other Christmas decorations, but NO Thanksgiving decorations. Whatever happened to Thanksgiving decorations, like the pilgrim's, indian's, turkey's and pumpkins? I'm sorry for boring you with all this talk about Thanksgiving being skipped over, but I happen to like Thanksgiving. I can't wait for the turkey and dressing, Hannah's favorite "chicken and dumplings", sweet potato casserole, turnips and cornbread, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, Adam's favorite "boiled cookies", and Meredith's favorite "pink salad". "Pink salad" got it's name from Meredith. When Meredith was little my mother would fix this buttermilk salad at Thanksgiving and Meredith could not say buttermilk, so she named it "pink salad". We had some great times at my mother's on Thanksgiving, she loved to cook all our favorite food dishes "favorites" as she called. I miss her so much more around the holidays. When the kids were small we lived away but we always came home for Thanksgiving. My two brother's families and my sister's family, we'd all gather at mother's around ten in the morning and the guys would sit around and talk, while the girls would help Mother get the food ready to put on the table and the kids would "practice" football. We would eat around noon and after eating lunch we'd go sit on her big front porch and watch the kids "play" flag football. All nine kids would play their hearts out. Those were some GREAT TIMES!!

Horse Tales

Today was Meredith's 25th birthday and I pray that it was a good day for her. I did stop by and see her this morning, she is so beautiful pregnant! Well, she's always beautiful. Hannah, Ashton, and Brennon went to Dothan shopping, Ashton is going to be in a beauty pagent at school and they were looking for her a dress. Grayson spent friday night and today with us. So, Today we moved more things out of our house and into Adam's empty house for storage. We've made a dent, but we have a ways to go. Where does all this stuff come from? I did not realize just how much stuff I have. I feel so sorry for my dog, Gretchen, she know's something is up, she whined and barked more today than I have EVER heard her do. I kinda wondered if she thought I was going to box her up too, I seem to be boxing up everything that reminds me of the "good ole days of home". The one thing I can NOT bring myself to do is remove B&K's fingerprints off our tv screen, I have made my mind up they are staying, besides what does it hurt? I did box up some toys to take to the Christian service center, I was going to get rid of all of them, but I could not bring myself to get rid of the Barney key board, that Kenadi loved! Of course she loved anything Barney! She also loved this wood toy with beads on it, she'd sit and move those beads all around. I could not get rid of the toy tractor, ball and bat or camera that Brayden loved so much. The baby doll that Kenadi got for her last birthday, with the eye messed up from her doing I don't what to make it look like it does. Brennon came over the other day and she knew that was Kenadi's baby and she wanted to put clothes on it for Kenadi, Brennon also found a pacifer, that she brought to me and told me it was Kenadi's, no I could NOT part with it either, to me all these things are "heirlooms". My Mother, who went home to be with the Lord, on June 12, 2005, told me that "heirlooms" to her were the things that were dear to your heart, things that to others you may not be able to explain, the why you keep them, but they are special to you and you love them. I have LOTS of "heirlooms". They once filled our home, but now they are boxed away, waiting to be brought out again, I sure hope it's soon! With the housing market the way it is, it will be a "God thing" for ours to sale, soon! I have a house already picked out, every time I go by it, I say "Lord, you know I want that house". I really feel like it's ME...I pray that God's will is for it to be mine. Time will tell. I want to share a funny memory with all of you...when Meredith was in high school, she wanted a horse and we got her, well I guess I should be honest and say I brought this very pretty horse home from the local horse sale, and you know what folks, I know NOTHING about a horse, that makes a bad horse dealing when you don't know what you're getting. Well, he was pretty, I think it was a he, well anyway Meredith got her a horse, she seemed happy to have this horse that she named scaredy, this horse was frightened of just about everything...well one afternoon, Gregg came up and he and Meredith saddled the beast up and rode him, he was a little stubborn, but they had fun, well when they got back to the house, I went out to see how the ride went, and they talked me into riding him...YES folks this old lady got on this horse, first time I'd been on a horse in lets say 30 years. Well I was up in the air, longer than I was in the saddle, yeah go ahead and laugh, I don't mind, all my kids, husband and dear friends that arrived just in time to see my acrobate moves, laughed uncontrollably, Gregg saved my life, he picked me up from out from under that beast and ran with me cleared me from the hoofs of that beast. Needless to say that CRAZY horse went to the next weekend sale in Brewton, Alabama, which is like an hour away, I had to pay someone to haul him there, then I had to pay someone to take him off my hands. Yes, I came in the hole with that one. NO MORE HORSE BUYING FOR ME!! She did get another one and she is buried in our back yard, due to the colic. No more horses! YEA. I do have 2 goats, one I bought at a yard sale for 10 dollars, yes a yard sale. I hope you enjoyed the humor!

"My Dear Child"

There is something blazing in my heart that I yearn for you to know and hold on to; and this is it, My love, which came down to you in the person of My perfect Son, Jesus, is complete, full, unchangeable, and eternal. It is one gift that circumstances can neither alter or steal away.
Nothing you will ever face in this life is powerful enough to come between you and My love for you. My love will be your one constant in the shifting landscapes of a transient universe. It is an open door, when you are hungry and homeless, a warm embrace, when you are lost and alone, a safe harbor, when you are tossed by the storms of life, a warm fire, when the world has turned you out into the cold. So hold on to this truth as a treasure in your heart.

I love you forever,
GOD

Last night I had a praise band meeting over at Leigh and Stephen's and after our covered dish meal and dessert, we went into their family room to discuss our Christmas music and I received a phone call from Hannah explaining to me that Brennon had drank a whole bottle of Motrin and she was rushing her to the ER. So I hurried out of there and got to Hannah's house and she met me in the road with Brennon and she placed her in my car and tore out to the hospital. I went in and checked on Ashton and Grayson and they were sound asleep. I called our neice Emily to see if she could come sit with the kids and of course she did. I love you EM! I prayed until Emily got there. God is ALWAYS with me. When I arrived at the ER, so many emotions were rushing through me, but I had to hold it together and I did for awhile. When I got into the hospital, BB was sitting in Hannah's lap holding her arms out wanting me to take her. I took her into my arms and held her until her Pop walked in and she then wanted him. When they called her to the back, I went with them and of all the rooms they could place us in it had to be the one, where I was when Debbie told us that Kenadi had passed. I told myself, you are NOT going to draw attention to yourself, but when Karen a nurse that I've known since she was a child came into the room, she knew without me having to say a word, she told the other nurse they were moving us to another room...PRAISE GOD...As we sat down in the other room, I prayed, I prayed and I prayed, no this was NOT like B&K's accident, but this did involve another one of my precious grand babies, the one born 5 days after B&K, she was the #4 child born of my 4 grandkids born within months of each other. All kind of emotions were turning in my head/stomach/heart, but I went into the "mother mode", for one's who do not know what that is our explain what it means to me...I put all my "fall apart now" on hold, I have to be strong for my child. Hannah was so upset, she had been crying, she blamed herself, just like she blames herself with the twins accident, but this was an ACCIDENT. I know she did not mean for this to happen, Brennon was able to open this child proof cap, that I could NOT open! To her it tasted good, bubble gum, is what she told me. I am so thankful, that it was Motrin and NOT Tylenol. They kept Brennon over night for observation, and she is alright. Praise God. I left the hospital to go stay with Ashton and Grayson and I turned off the "mother mode" and cried myself to sleep. When my alarm went off this morning at 5:45 am to get Ashton/Grayson up for school, I prayed before I ever woke them up, I wanted to be prepared for how Ashton would take the news. I woke her up first and she wanted to know where BB was, and why are you here Nana, I told her that BB was alright, but she had drank a whole bottle of Motrin and she was at the hospital, but her and mama would be home when she and Grayson got home from school. Ashton lost it...she cried for BB and she cried for Brayden and Kenadi. How do you explain to an 8 year old why these things happens, why did B&K have to die? I answered her by telling her we do not know why, but we do know that God is in control and He has a plan and a purpose for all of us. I'm not sure what to say, how do you say anything when you do NOT truly understand yourself. I know and I believe God does have a purpose and plan for all of us, I also know that NOTHING happens that He doesn't know before hand. I know He knows that Meredith and Gregg are hurting, my entire family is hurting. I know without Him I would NOT be making it through each day. YES...it's hard, Yes.. sometimes I want to give up, NOT face another day without B&K. My heart is so torn over their deaths, I was the one keeping them that day, I relive over that day, 1000's of times. What, How, why, over and over. I hurt because these precious babies are my baby girl's babies. Thoughts of can she or Gregg ever forgive me for this? Will I ever forgive myself? I experience on any given day; despondency, depression, dispair, guilt. But I am surviving on God's love and mercy, and I have hope in HIM. I know I will see B&K one day. I hurt beyond words, no one on this earth truly understands MY hurt. But I know my Lord and Savior, understands all these emotions, because He knows first hand what it's like to loose someone you love.. Please excuse the racing of my thoughts, I just write as it comes to me..

Well, I woke up to a house that is still a huge mess, what has happen to the cleaning fairies? Every thing would look pretty good, if the stuff that needs packing up would jump in a box. I have better things to do today, I am picking Brennon up from mother's day out and we are going to Wal Mart to exchange the highchair, I got Meredith for her shower. I may have a hard time returning it, Brennon thinks she got the highchair for Kaidi, cause she was with me when we picked it up she may not want to take it back. Hannah told me last night that Brennon was talking about Brayden and Kenadi yesterday, she remembers them all taking a nap at my house. Brennon talks alot about them and as tears well up in my eyes, I thank God that she does remember them and I want her to always be able to talk to me about them, same way with Ashton, she talks about them and asks questions, some I can answer, some I can't. I still have a huge gapping hole in my heart and I know that it will never go away, some days it's easier than others, I never know what kind of a day it will be. How can you know?
We keep having these strange people stop by our house, NO, I do not go to the door, I'm too scared. Yesterday, it was a man with a long beard, long hair, and he was driving a old green van, I didn't think he was ever going to stop knocking on my door. Gretchen was letting him know she was here with all her barking, but I was as quiet as a mouse. Could it be that people know we are moving out, I think so by the deserted look of our house. I don't think other people can see that all the laugher and joy is gone, I think only Rickey and I know that! When I drive up to the house, it's like it has NO life any more, the heartbeat is gone. To be honest it is gone. All our grandkids brought so much life, laughter, and joy to our home, but since July 29, all life as this house knew it is gone from it. Yes, I know we have other grandkids and yes, we love them, and they bring us joy, but 2 parts of our circle is missing. I want a home that I have peace in and not nightmares, a home that my kids and grandkids can come home to. Our home reflects emptiness not joy.
As I took down family pictures and placed them in boxes, I cried, I prayed, I begged, Lord give us place to call home again, a place for me to hang these pictures, a place for new memories to begin. I have had remarks made to me about us moving, one stupid one; why are you moving, you can't run from what happened, it's still going to go with you. How do you give an answer to someone, at that moment you could either, (1)strangle to death, right there on the spot, (2)fall to pieces, in front of this idiot, that obviously has NO heart or brains. (3)strangle them, then fall to pieces, (4)walk away without saying anything and let God work on them. Which one did I do, well I wanted to do #3, but I did #4. Yes believe it or not, I kept my mouth shut. Another thing. why is it when you're down, people want to kick you even more. Why do people want to say horrible things about you, do they NOT realize, you're hurting and it's probably a hurt that they have never or will ever experience, nor would I want them to. But, I have also encountered wonderful people that say just what you need to hear to lift your spirits. I have experienced love in so many ways, friends that have cried with me, listened to me, let me vent what ever was on my mind. We've been invited over for dinner and to go to the movies so many thngs to keep us busy. I am so thankful to all our friends. Special thank you to the one who ALWAYS lets me talk and who ALWAYS just listens. I love you! People have shared stories about Brayden and Kenadi. I loveto hear stories about them. Brayden and Kenadi touched so many lives in their short 26 months and I am so thankful for that. I am so blessed to be their nana...I love you B&K!!!!

Faith Can Move Houses

As you know we have our house for sale and you also know that it's NOT a good time to be selling a house, but Rickey and I have faith that it will sell. We have been praying that God will bring the buyer to us. To us it's a "God thing" if it's His will for us to sale, He'll send the buyer.
During the night our dog Gretchen was like myself could not sleep...I think she senses changes going on in her home. How could she not? Her favorite chair was moved out and their is all kind of stuff on the sofa and love seat. I could hear her moving around because of the clinging of stuff in the living room as she tried to find a place to lay. She finally came to bed and settled in. When I finally decided to lay down, I had to get her to move over. When I got up this morning and walked into the living room, I wanted to climb back into bed, what a big mess there is in there.
Today I cook for the church...I love cooking and I love my church family so I enjoy exercising my gift for HIM. We are having taco salad with all the trimings, cheese dip, and brownies with ice cream for dessert. I usually have around 75 that eats. I also cook for the "Prime Timers" group in our church. I was blessed by a gift to go on a trip with them 2 weeks ago to Piegon Forge Tennessee and I was blessed beyond measure. A couple from our church,one of them got sick and could not go so I was asked to go in their place, someone also blessed me with spending money for my eats...God is so good and so is my church family. The speaker for the week was a pastor from Panama City Florida and each one of his sermons was right on target to what I needed to hear. God prepared the way for me to go and he equipped the pastor for my needs. God's an on time God, yes, He is! I enjoyed the entire trip, the fellowship with everyone, the great food (lots and lots of food), the conference, the All American show we attended, but most of all the love that each one of them poured out on me.
I need to go I hear the church kitchen calling me!!!

Packing up and moving out

Today I spent packing up lots of dishes, glasses, books, pictures, and board games. Rickey's brother Jay and his son-in-law Derrick came up to help us move furniture to Adam's empty house in Samson for storage. I never realize just how many wine glasses I have, we don't even drink wine! What's up with that? Why do I keep things I don't use or need? I packed up a lot of books, we've already ready them, so why do we keep them? Crystal dishes, yes I have used them! But do I need all of them? I have things that belonged to my grandparents, Rickey's grandparents, my mother, Rickey's aunt, Rickey's mom, and I even have things that my dear friends have given me, that they no longer wanted. That's it, I have lots of things that I hang on to because they need me...they were cast offs to others but to me they are "heirlooms". I can remember each one that was given to me, or each one that I bought. I have these really cute salt/pepper shakers that Vickie bought for me and a set for her, and they look like the two of us. I have roosters of all kinds and colors, each one absolutely beautiful to me, I have a crystal rooster that Gregg and Meredith gave me one Christmas. I have this chicken that has the cutest personality, she's hanging and she moves and everyone that has seen her, laughs. You probally think I am crazy and I am, crazy for my "heirlooms". I would love to post pictures of all my "heirlooms" but I haven't figured out how to do that yet, soon maybe! I will end this post with a "cock a doodle do" to all and to all a good night.