Well, I woke up to a house that is still a huge mess, what has happen to the cleaning fairies? Every thing would look pretty good, if the stuff that needs packing up would jump in a box. I have better things to do today, I am picking Brennon up from mother's day out and we are going to Wal Mart to exchange the highchair, I got Meredith for her shower. I may have a hard time returning it, Brennon thinks she got the highchair for Kaidi, cause she was with me when we picked it up she may not want to take it back. Hannah told me last night that Brennon was talking about Brayden and Kenadi yesterday, she remembers them all taking a nap at my house. Brennon talks alot about them and as tears well up in my eyes, I thank God that she does remember them and I want her to always be able to talk to me about them, same way with Ashton, she talks about them and asks questions, some I can answer, some I can't. I still have a huge gapping hole in my heart and I know that it will never go away, some days it's easier than others, I never know what kind of a day it will be. How can you know?
We keep having these strange people stop by our house, NO, I do not go to the door, I'm too scared. Yesterday, it was a man with a long beard, long hair, and he was driving a old green van, I didn't think he was ever going to stop knocking on my door. Gretchen was letting him know she was here with all her barking, but I was as quiet as a mouse. Could it be that people know we are moving out, I think so by the deserted look of our house. I don't think other people can see that all the laugher and joy is gone, I think only Rickey and I know that! When I drive up to the house, it's like it has NO life any more, the heartbeat is gone. To be honest it is gone. All our grandkids brought so much life, laughter, and joy to our home, but since July 29, all life as this house knew it is gone from it. Yes, I know we have other grandkids and yes, we love them, and they bring us joy, but 2 parts of our circle is missing. I want a home that I have peace in and not nightmares, a home that my kids and grandkids can come home to. Our home reflects emptiness not joy.
As I took down family pictures and placed them in boxes, I cried, I prayed, I begged, Lord give us place to call home again, a place for me to hang these pictures, a place for new memories to begin. I have had remarks made to me about us moving, one stupid one; why are you moving, you can't run from what happened, it's still going to go with you. How do you give an answer to someone, at that moment you could either, (1)strangle to death, right there on the spot, (2)fall to pieces, in front of this idiot, that obviously has NO heart or brains. (3)strangle them, then fall to pieces, (4)walk away without saying anything and let God work on them. Which one did I do, well I wanted to do #3, but I did #4. Yes believe it or not, I kept my mouth shut. Another thing. why is it when you're down, people want to kick you even more. Why do people want to say horrible things about you, do they NOT realize, you're hurting and it's probably a hurt that they have never or will ever experience, nor would I want them to. But, I have also encountered wonderful people that say just what you need to hear to lift your spirits. I have experienced love in so many ways, friends that have cried with me, listened to me, let me vent what ever was on my mind. We've been invited over for dinner and to go to the movies so many thngs to keep us busy. I am so thankful to all our friends. Special thank you to the one who ALWAYS lets me talk and who ALWAYS just listens. I love you! People have shared stories about Brayden and Kenadi. I loveto hear stories about them. Brayden and Kenadi touched so many lives in their short 26 months and I am so thankful for that. I am so blessed to be their nana...I love you B&K!!!!