106 and 105 Days

Today, it has been 106 days since Kenadi and 105 days since Brayden went home to be with the Lord. Each day I rely on God to get me through. There are days that I don't want to go on, but with His mercy and grace, I make it for another day. I NEVER feel hopeless, because my hope is in HIM, but I do feel despair, sorrow, hurt, and pain. I miss Brayden and Kenadi so much. I miss hearing the cute way they both said Nana, I miss them running up to me and giving me a hug, I miss the way they smelled, I miss the softness of Kenadi's hair, the waves in Brayden's hair, her brown eyes, his blue eyes. I miss everything about them. I loved to watch them from my Sunday school class window walk to church, on some Sunday's Meredith or Gregg would pull them in the red wagon or push them in the stroller, but my favorite was of them walking hand in hand. I also loved how on Wednesday nights, when Meredith would bring them upstairs to the sanctuary, they would climb up on the platform and get a microphone and sing into it, those memories are so sweet, but so raw.

On December 1, our little Kaidi will make her debut...I can't wait! I know she will NOT replace Brayden and Kenadi, but she will bring us joy. I know she will get a lot of attention from everyone. Ashton is so looking forward to her birth, she has been so concerned for her MeMe and Gregg. A couple of weeks ago, when she was out of school on fall break, she went with me to Kelly Foods, to pick up stuff for the church, she asked me if I would take her to a store so that she could buy two journals to write down stuff about Brayden and Kenadi. She said one day she'd give them to Kaidi, so Kaidi would know all about her big brother and big sister. The second journal was for her to write down things about Nanny (my mother), that she could share with Grayson, Brennon, Kaidi. I starting crying, I couldn't help it, the tears just came and they kept coming. My sweet 8 year old granddaughter consoled me, not only did she console with words, she wiped my tears. I love that girl, she's so sweet and loving.

Again, I know I've been all over the place with this post, but my mind races and I just type as the thoughts come.

Let me share one more thing. I know I can relax in God's peaceful presence and nothing can ever seperate me from His love. He will never leave me or forsake me. Praise God.